We Are At War
by 5Z8491
Summary: Since 1941, the words 'we are at war' never left his mind. Warning- dark. Set civil war (no spoilers don't worry). Oneshot. 100% Steve angst.


**I uploaded this as my final chapter to my fic 'cold' but you don't have to read that. Basically Steve is depressed. ENJOY MY STORY. Set civil war ( idk the plot so no spoilers )**

Steve knew that there was a war going on in Europe in 1939, there was lots of deaths. So maybe it shouldn't have surprised him when he'd heard those words escape from Bucky's lips on December 7th 1941.

Steve opened his eyes to Bucky running around their tiny apartment talking to himself, as if he was stressed.

"Bucky?"

He stopped dead in his tracks and turned to Steve. He relaxed a bit more; he still looked a mess, however. His hair flopped down over his ears, he really needed a haircut. It's surprising he hasn't gotten one recently as he hates having long hair. His shirt wasn't properly tucked in and he had dark circles under his eyes ( perhaps the fact that he wasn't smiling made it all terrible. )

"Steve. It's awful. Everyone's getting ready to-"

"Bucky, what's going on?"

The curiosity really was killing him. Bucky seriously needed to calm down, on the verge of hyperventilating, why was he so stressed?

"We are at war."

The words really shouldn't have shocked him as much as they did back then. Steve wasn't a kid so he should've understood what war meant. It was overwhelming, really. For some reason, the four words made their way into the rest of his life, into his nightmares and his wildest dreams. Whatever you want to call it. During WW2, they were told that the war was to help the people back home, so that they don't get blown up or invaded by enemy countries. And back then, he didn't believe that lie. Still doesn't. He used google to try and help him get a definition it only said:

war- noun

a state of armed conflict between different countries or different groups within a country.

"Japan declared war on Germany"

synonyms: conflict, warfare, combat, fighting, struggle, armed conflict, action, military action, bloodshed, contest, tussle.

But those words do not define the war. They don't define what it is like seeing a man burn before your very eyes or hearing the piercing scream of your 'best friend'. History books say that they were just friends, memories state something else.

Ultron made a jab towards him,

'Captain America. God's righteous man. Pretending you could live without a war."

Ultron was right, captain America can't live without war, it's all he knows. But Steve Rogers hates war, he never wants to see anything like World War 2 again. He never wants to see children crying and terrified parents again.

Captain America is tough, but Steve isn't.

Steve and the avengers, they didn't get along that great. Tony just reminded him of Howard and Natasha reminded him of Peggy. Thor Bruce and Clint reminded him of the Howling Commandos. It shouldn't be hard to look at them but it is. Steve wielded Thor's hammer but he didn't want it, the shield was his and nothing else was. They just swept that under the rug. Made their lives a bit easier.

Sam is a great friend, understanding and hilarious, he makes Steve feel wanted. Well most of the time. Sometimes, Steve forgets how mean the avengers can be. After the fall of shield, they kept asking Steve why he cared so much about finding 'Binky or Bucky or whatever'. Steve is mostly an open person, so he told them. He told them about his love for Bucky. They only made fun of him - even made up a cute little joke:

"Wow! And all this time I thought there was no D in Rogers!"

Yes, Tony thinks he's hilarious. Just can't stop himself from joking around.

Well, that's what Steve thought. Eventually, he found Bucky. Or Bucky found him. What's most important is that they both found a bit more of themselves

Steve was coping, maybe it wasn't the best method. But it helped; Steve lonely so he did what he had to do. The nightmares were getting worse and worse. It was four am and blood was dripping down Steve's sink. The serum would deal with that, he's okay. Surely. The bathroom was an ugly yellow/ white colour. A standard apartment that he could afford in shield's wages. Tony asked/ was forced to ask Steve to move into the tower. He denied, of course. Made both their lives easier.

A knock erupted through the tiny apartment, he was startled. Grunting something along the lines of 'Who the hell is knocking at this time, I don't want visitors.' But he cleaned up himself and shouted that he'd be there in a minute. You see, the thing is, Steve wanted to be alone. He wants to be in a dark (warm) cave with no one there where he can just scream until his throat turned into razors and his lungs were empty. He wanted to scream until his face turned red from the vasodilation and he was actually warm instead of living in a cold hell fire. In all of his experience, he's learnt hell is cold, hell is where your muscles are frozen but you're still awake. He wanted to do it whilst he stood still; so he didn't have to run until his heart was ready to burst and the lactic acid didn't pool into his body to burn his muscles. So yes, he wanted to be alone. But he didn't want to be lonely.

Steve's blistered feet carried him to the door somehow, he was so tired he thought he saw Bucky through the peephole. Hallucinations were a common thing for him. Last week, he thought he saw Bucky around a street corner. Calloused hands opened the door and Bucky (?) hugged Steve. The man must have noticed Steve's confusion as he said,

'You used to wear newspaper on your shoes, your mom's name was Sarah.

It's me Steve, your pal. Your buddy. Your Bucky."

For some reason, unknown to Him and Bucky, Steve's eyes produced tears. They weren't like before, tears of numbness that he couldn't feel running down. These tears held 70+ years of emotion, these tears left red swelling and warmth in their path. These caused a storm to start in Steve's head. Finally, these tears rid the memory of a terrified scream and a face full of desperation.

They stood there for hours, just hugging. They needed this, just to be touched. To be needed. Bucky came inside Steve's shitty apartment. Then they did a little more than hug- it's legal now anyway.

It lasted weeks like that before Bucky talked to the avengers and not just Steve or Sam. Most of them didn't mind Bucky. Sam thought he was great, he made Steve happy so what's the harm? Tony didn't take much liking to Bucky; he kept insisting that he was a demon and should be killed. He blamed Bucky (or the winter soldier) for the death of his parents. Apparently, Tony had been collecting 'evidence' for weeks to blame Bucky. He said Bucky should be placed on trial. Steve insisted that Tony kept blaming the gun instead of the one pulling the trigger.

And there it was.

That one sentence was all it took to rip the avengers into two. Thor wasn't on Earth so he wasn't involved, but everyone else took sides. There was only two: Team Iron Man or Team Captain America. It was this... This civil war, that showed everyone's true colours. Natasha and Steve had really started to get along and work together but she sided with Tony. Steve couldn't help but feel a little broken because of that. He was getting better too. With Bucky around, the ice digging in his heart began to melt and his bed felt warmer. He still stood a little close to the edge at times, he ran too fast, didn't open up, screamed too hard and had nightmares. But Bucky was there for him and now the coping methods were different, that's all that mattered.

 _Steve chose his team carefully, a small collection of people he could trust. At least he had Wanda on his team, she could manipulate people as a last resort, she's also a very loyal person. He's glad about that. It's enough. It has to be. They're a small group but they hold a lot of power and Steve, he really is grateful, perhaps his heart is dragging his body down so much that he just can't even lift his mouth._

 _"So, what's happening. And make it short please."_

 _Hawkeye asks this whilst he is pouring himself a cup of coffee, no one else bothers to ask him for some, they know he's going to drink it all._

 _"We..." Steve hesitated, he knew it was those words coming out of his mouth, "We are at war."_

 _Clint drank the coffee straight from the pot. Usually they would've laughed._

 _Everyone's faces remained the same stone cold expression._

 _..._

 _One fight in particular drained them all. Scott almost died and Wanda almost lost a leg. Because of this, Wanda had bruises and a long scar was on Scott's face; during the team meeting Steve couldn't help but stare, he couldn't get bruises and the scars disappeared. Captain America is not weak, he does not hurt, the captain is not affected from previous injuries. Steve is._

 _They regrouped in a temporary safe house, it wouldn't remain safe for long however._

 _"We need somewhere more secure to stay. Somewhere we could be incognito, at least." Steve scanned their faces, they looked deep in thought. No where really was safe._

 _"We could use my farm," Steve stopped listening from there on. He remembered Bucky's family, they were a big one. When Steve and Bucky moved out to live on their own, his family stayed there, they visited often. Word had gotten out that Bucky Barnes was Captain's right hand man, so when they visited mid-war. The house was destroyed and his family dead. Just it get to Steve._

 _"Cap?" Clint asked him, searching for an answer. Steve couldn't do this to Clint's family - no one else is getting killed._

 _"No. There's got to be somewhere else." Captain America spoke._

...

" _Steve. Are you listening?" The doctor asked. Steve nodded," can you describe yourself for me?"_

 _"I'm Captain America." He says it like it's enough._

Steve saw a therapist weekly, he doesn't think it helps, it's better than the group sessions though. When he began to see the doctor, the man laughed lightly at his own jokes, wore a black suit with a straight green tie and spoke in a gentle tone. Now he looked irritated half the time, his tie lay on the floor, his sleeves rolled up to the elbows and his tone held no emotion or sympathy.

And that is exactly what Steve needed.

" _Steve. Listen to me." Steve nodded," describe yourself for me."_

 _"I'm-" They both knew what Steve was going to say._

 _"No, goddammit, describe Steve. I've asked you to do this ten times and you've given me the same answer."_

 _Steve thought for a moment. He had nothing._

 _"I don't need this I'm leaving."_

 _Captain America stood up and left the room._

 _That night he ran until acid burnt his muscles and he couldn't move. He punched a bag so hard it dented a wall. He coped._

Their new safe house was better, more secure. But, hell, it was cold. It wasn't freezing, just cold. Bearable. Enough to set him off. Bucky was there, subtly rubbing his back, only Sam knew about them being 'together' ( again). Sam gave him a look of reassurance. It wasn't enough. Sharon, Scott and Wanda were all looking at Clint with amusement. He was obviously telling some sort of story- maybe about his family. They all knew that he had one now anyway. Steve doesn't want a family, he has Bucky and that's enough. He wishes he could tell them about him and Bucky but... But what? There's no excuses anymore. Oh god, he feels like a huge jerk, he told Bucky to wait, but for what? Bucky must hate him.

His hands sweat and start shaking. The silence begins to drown him and his chest tightens and it's all too much and he can't breathe. Surely Bucky notices because he whispers,

"Hey, it's okay. I lo-" His angelic voice interrupted by a cough from Scott. Sharon and Clint are giggling. Wanda is not, she looks alarmed; she's entered Steve's head before, she knows that he won't like this next sentence,

"Hey Cap, Language!" He shouts and bursts out laughing. Wanda's eyes are so wide they might just pop out. Bucky's expression turns stoic, Sam is biting his lip so hard it might bleed. Captain America blinks and Steve talks, barely audible,

"Fuck off." Scott's face turns to shock, as do Sharon's and Clint's. Bucky looks amused yet glad, Steve is coming back. The Captain hasn't won. Not yet anyway. There's confidence (adrenaline) flowing through his veins so he just decides, "Screw it."

He grabs Bucky's face and kisses him, they've been in hiding for long enough. This isn't the 40's. Bucky smiles, Sam cheers, Clint and Scott both give Sharon 10 dollars, Sharon looks smug. Wanda has a shy smile and says something along the lines of 'About time.'

And in that moment, life felt (close enough to) perfect.

The next battle, everything they worked for got dragged into the mud.

They are winning, Tony's team is weakened. Vision isn't fighting, Tony's suit is destroyed. They have the upper hand. This is good. Yet the captain just had to turn his head. He saw children crying and frightened parents. Houses were destroyed, he doesn't know how, but it was by them. They caused children to cry. Memories from world war 2 flooded back, the lies they were told. Everything seemed too familiar.

"We aren't even fighting for the people anymore. We're just fighting."

His voice barely a whisper,

He is not captain America.

He is not Steve Rogers (that punk who never backed down).

He is not.

Tony noticed how his fighting stance dropped. The captain looked confused, like a man lost in time. He looked like Steve. Tony grabbed a gun, it had two bullets. He pointed it at Steve's(?) head,

"I'm gonna end this. Right now. Any last words?" Tony sounded hysterical.

"We are at war." Steve seemed unfazed

"Yeah no shit, what did you think this was? A walk in the park?" He snorted.

"Bucky said those exact words to me 74 years ago. The fighting, it never stops, even if you sacrifice your own life. " Tony's gun lowered a bit, he had to admit, the words touched him for some reason. So, possibly Tony let Steve free. Steve wouldn't have it, he would turn himself in. He spends a lot of time in a cold prison cell, anxiety creeping up on his shoulder. He wouldn't be able to feel the lactic acid anymore, or cope.

Bucky would curl in Steve's bed at night and refuse to wash the sheets. He'd spend his days visiting Steve, sometimes he'd forget to eat. Wanda will well him sleep, singing a sokovian lullaby and using her powers to calm him.

Sam spends his days looking after Bucky, making sure he didn't die or anything like that. He didn't run anymore, his new running shoes would lay abandoned in the corner of his cupboard. The words 'on your left' will flash his mind whenever he looks at them. He'd never wear them anymore. He'd become a mess.

Or perhaps Tony did pull the trigger.

The country would mourn, yet his funeral would be private. Just Bucky, Sam and Wanda would probably be there in the background. She connected to Steve, he was her idol. His coffin would have an American flag on it, before Bucky pulled it off.

"He's not even American. Steve isn't American."

"You think the world cares about that?" Sam would respond.

Tears would be shed that day. Lots of sadness, and it's a shame because that day would be really warm and the birds would sing happily. (Funerals are held when it's not raining and even a happy person would cry on such a beautiful day)

Bucky would curl in Steve's bed at night and refuse to wash the sheets. He'd spend his days visiting Steve's grave, sometimes he'd forget to eat. Wanda will well him sleep, singing a sokovian lullaby and using her powers to calm him through tears of her own.

Sam spends his days checking on Bucky, making sure he didn't die or anything like that. He didn't run anymore, his new running shoes would lay abandoned in the corner of his cupboard. The words 'on your left' will flash his mind whenever he looks at them. He'd never wear them anymore. He would burn them, it was too much.

Now, it doesn't matter whether Tony pulled the trigger or not. What matters is the fact that, either way,

The world lost Steve Rogers.

 **Please review! And I know Bucky didn't say the your Bucky thing but it's my fic so I do what I want :)**


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